Alice Catherine

I thought I’d share a journal style post with you today. Whenever I’m going through something new or challenging that makes me feel anxious or numb in some way – I try to ‘write it out’ in the hope that processing it on the page or screen in front of me, will also help me process it mentally. I’ve been recording my thoughts a little each day and then adding to it throughout the week and it’s really been helping me just bring everything to the surface.

As much as I want to create content that’s distracting and positive – I also don’t want to pretend that that’s how I’m feeling every moment of every day. My emotions have all over the place over the past few weeks, and I think it feels important to me to share those more raw moments if I can. I know a lot of you will be feeling the same, so I hope that sharing these ‘diary style’ posts every now and then will keep us connected…

This week has felt hard. Lots of pottering about the flat, not sure where to focus my attention and feeling pretty helpless. I keep trying to distract myself with work but then find myself obsessively cleaning or staring out the window instead. It’s funny, I can almost convince myself that’s it’s all some sort of weird nightmare at certain times throughout the day. I see people walking their dogs or the postman approaching – normality.

I’ve been trying to get out once a day whilst we are still allowed to. I’ll go for a long walk by the canal – the sun has been out this week which is lovely but also feels quite cruel. The first proper sunshine in such a long time, but I feel guilty for being outside and enjoying it for that one moment per day. Then someone approaches in the distance, wearing a mask, keeping their recommended 2ft away – a reminder that this is the new normal for now. My heart sinks a bit and my chest tightens. I want to badly to stare up at the endless blue skies and for all of this to fade away around me. I don’t want to back away from people as they approach me – as though each person is now a threat, and not a new chance for a conversation or friendly exchange…

I don’t feel so panicked anymore, just a strong sense of uneasiness. I guess feel uncomfortable – sort of like being homesick and there’s no guarantee of walking up your own driveway and seeing the lights on in the front room anytime soon. I think I feel uncomfortable because all of this has made me realise that I’ve been complacent for a long time – masking thoughts and feelings with tasks and endless ‘To Do’ lists. I’ve covered up the noise in my head with ‘living life’ the best way I know how, and now there’s nothing to focus on but the noise that’s been exposed. Issues I haven’t been dealing with properly have risen to the surface and it seems like I have all the time in the world to dwell on fixing them – and yet I don’t want to. I’m not ready to.

It’s hard to be online too much – a place that feels somewhere between offering comfort and making me feel more overwhelmed. For many people, this time at home has already turned into varying levels of boot camp and intimidating productivity. If the best you can do today Is breathe, then that’s fine too.

There’s also lots of things I’ve agonised over lately that suddenly don’t seem so significant anymore. What content to post? What’s the next step in my career? Will I ever have the house and the children I’ve imagined? There’s been a huge shift in my attention and only the immediate needs of each day seem to matter. I find myself looking forward to the small parts that make up the fabric of each day – cooking dinner, changing the bedding, going for an evening walk just as the sun is setting…

It’s enough just to be human right now.

Photographs taken by me at home – 27.03.2020